Feeling overwhelmed

Hello again! Its a new year, and now that things have slowed down, I am ready to update our family blog! Our holidays were great this year. Things were really, really different, but it was a good thing and over all, we were happy with how things went. Halloween was really fun. McCoy's school did a big parade and celebration that lasted for most of the morning. Since most of the people here in Sunnyvale are so diverse in their religious practices, Halloween seems to be the holiday that everyone can agree on, so with that said, it was a pretty big deal. After the morning celebrations though, the kids had to take off all of their costumes and from there on, school proceeded as normal. Thanksgiving was calm and fun as well. I cooked my first Thanksgiving "feast" which is something I've wanted to do for awhile, so I was pretty excited. I was really happy with how the turkey turned out and....well, everything worked out great except for the rolls. My yeast died early...so, we ate a meal with out the rolls, but beings that my family doesnt eat a lot anyway, it actually worked out just fine. Its exhausting to be in the kitchen all day long. I wanted to give up at times, but I knew I needed to keep going to really appreciate the years and efforts that my mom put into that Holiday for my family growing up. No wonder she was always grumpy the next day ;) That day we played games together, and did a few crafty projects that were a pinterest FAIL, but over all, there were no expectations, no real big plans, it was good. Some parts of the day felt a little lonely, but we really wouldnt have traded it for anything. Nick and I decided to stick it all out during the holidays and do Christmas here in Cali as well. We have no idea how long we will actually be here in cali, so we decided to do that holiday here too. ZERO regrets! It was worth it. Our Christmas was almost 70 degrees outside and we found ourselves riding our bikes to 7-11 for a treat that day. Kinda weird, I know....thats not usually a Christmas activity, but its what WE did and we enjoyed it! Next year we will tell Santa that New Bikes is a really good idea for Christmas, now that we kind of know what to expect with the weather :) McCoy and Lavi were happy on Christmas, which was good, cause we thought they would actually be homesick for Utah--but they werent. I think we will spend any Christmas we have while we're here, here in California--The weather just cant be beat. So---no holiday traveling for us which is kind of a relief. We have decided that we want to plan on going to utah for the 24th of July which is Spanish Forks Fiesta days (Rodeo, parade, carnival)....Thats the plan, and thats when we will do our traveling. I know I rant and rave about the weather, but I think the shock of it has gotten the best of us. It might be annoying to hear from Nick and I constantly about how warm it is, but in no way are we trying to brag or BE annoying. We have talked about how we hope we havent lost any friends because we have ranted and raved about the weather too much. We really are just going through the shock of it. We were at the park a week ago and I turned to Nick and said, "I cant believe its December." So really, no, we arent trying to be snobs....Its something you only hear about, but never really experience. But I have seen it with my own eyes.....It is possible to go outside wearing flip flops and shorts on Christmas. Lets just say that here in Silicon Valley, I see why they say you pay for the weather. We're coming up on 9 months of living here in California. I cant believe it. It doesnt seem like its been that long. I cant believe how fast a year flies by. We have grown leaps and bounds while living here and we have learned so much. I cant even begin to explain how badly we needed these experiences for our family--funny that in making our decision to move here, we had no idea what we were about to experience. We have all, including Our kids, have learned so so SO much about religions, cultures, boundaries, educational differences, rules, tact, social skills, values, life lessons, life skills, etc etc.... the list goes on. Dare I say that that I think McCoy has probably learned the most out of all of us--or at least he expresses more about what he has learned, so im convinced that he has learned the most. I think McCoy has done a great job with adjusting, although It surely hasnt been easy on him. We knew that moving out here would bring changes, but we......had no idea. Really, we slammed into a wall about 6 months into living here and now that reality has set in, the hard days have settled in too. All of us. Nick, Me, McCoy and Lavi. We have become more verbal as each of us have hard days, we express our feelings through tears, fights, venting or just plain quiet days. Its not really a hard day ALL THE TIME, but we have moments that are hard--and when things get hard, they get extra hard. California. California has its differences. And in all reality, the differences are actually really good, but they arent what we have been used to. I dont want to complain.....We have been blessed immensely. I will say, that we have made some really awesome friends for the kids. I like to have my kids be social and interactive because they learn how to play with others and how to mesh with other people, especially with how diverse it is here. It gives them variety. It teaches them how other families work. It teaches them how to get along. It teaches them to show others what McCoy is all about, or what Lavi is all about. Its given them opportunities and Its even given them opportunities to be examples! Its a win win situation. Now, if you want to know the truth, keep reading. I have been kind of in a funk lately. Let me just get it out there. I have felt this way for....ohhh....about 2 months. Maybe its that Seasonal depression thats bit me in the bum. Whatever it is, the 'honeymoon' of moving here has wore off and I am having a really hard time. Im feeling really overwhelmed and I feel a sense that something is missing. Something is not sitting well with me. I have written it all down..... Do we move back to utah? Do we have another baby? Do we move to a different part of Sunnyvale? Do we? Do we? Do we? What is it? There is absolutely nothing that I can complain about--- So you ask, Then why are you struggling? Well..... I dont know. Im not struggling in the Ward. Im not struggling that we live in an apartment. Im not struggling with Sunnyvale. Im not struggling....here.....or there....im not really even struggling with the cost of rent(except when I have to write that sick check).....Im not struggling with anything very specific... Im just struggling. I cant really put a finger on WHAT im struggling with but......... if I HAD to put a word on it, I guess im just struggling to feel like im "home" here. I had a hard time admitting that to even myself, but as soon as I talked to myself about it (yes, I talked to myself about it), I quickly accepted that that just might be my problem. But, let me be honest again.....I desperately want to make Sunnyvale my home and a home for my family. I would love to be like all the people in our ward that have told me, "Ya, we moved here thinking we'd be here for 2 years......but here we are 10 years later and we plan on staying." Gosh, You dont even know what i'd give to be able to say that. But.....to be honest, I dont know if Sunnyvale will be our home or not. I hope so, but I kind of doubt it. I cant say what will happen, but I will say that I am anxious and kind of anxious RIGHT NOW for Heavenly Father to guide us in the direction that will lead us to our HOME. You could say im a little impatient about this one :) I love Sunnyvale because it is my dream city as far as its surroundings, the culture and an all together way of life to make it my home for my family while Nick has all the opportunities in the world to work in the biggest social networking city in the world. He is surrounded by the best- and as a wife, thats what I want for him. Its not even really about the money, but, more for him to be in the thick of what he does for a living is a dream come true-even for me! Ok. On to the other part that is killing me. Lets not lie. I miss Utah. I love Utah. Its where I grew up and I have absolutely nothing against it. Right, I dont love the winters. In fact, I hate winter, hence the reason I love Sunnyvale. I understand that Utah has the best skiing, I get it....but I dont like to be cold, I hate bundling up, I hate driving in snow, I hate shoveling snow...I dont like winter. Its just who I am. But what I do miss about utah is the Mormon Culture there. I loved having all of the Churches Head quarters so close. Its kind of a safe Haven. I dont miss the "bubble" and I dont miss that "fake stuff" that you run into a lot. You know what Im talking about. But I just miss my friends. Family, please dont take it personal. I have had to rely on my friends my whole life, so naturally, I cling to my friends. I miss that neighbor and neighborhood connection that Utah has to offer. I miss seeing a family playing outside together. I miss that crazy idea of walking out your front door and there's a million kids out to play with your kids. I even miss having little kids walking into my house with out knocking, because I offered a safe place for them to come and play. I miss those parts. The parts I dont miss?? The competition. Keeping up with your parents. Keeping up with the Jones'. Looking good for the ward. Having the "highest" and coolest callings. Looking like you make a million bucks a month. No thanks. I dont miss that. Not saying that everyone was like that...but you know what I mean. Sorry, if that offended anyone. That is one things I LOVE about the California people. While they do have their ups and downfalls, life is not a competition in most areas, and the members of the church are definately not competing for anything......cause we all know our rent sucks and the cost of living is a joke. And one thing I have really appreciated here in California is all the love and thank you's i've received while serving in the nursery. Mothers have thrown their arms around me and thanked me for what I have done for their child while they went and learned the Gospel in Relief Society. Nursery is under appreciated in Utah--at least from my experience--and dare I say, even I under estimated it as well. I do miss utah......with all my heart. Besides the religious reasons though, I really, really REALLY mourn it for McCoy's sake. Nick and I have been back to Utah since we've moved to cali, but McCoy hasnt. I know how his heart is aching to be with his friends Asa and Porter. I have learned as a mom, what it means to have your heart broken. It literally breaks my heart so much that I cant think about it too long. There is just something very unique about utah. Its a safe place. I really cant put it into words. I really just wish that someone knew how I felt and could put it into words for me. **sigh** Its the new year, 2014. Im not one for yearly goals. I hate making goals. Growing up I would write goals down in my journal, but forget about them 5 days later and I would never make the effort to read back and go over them. And even if I did read over them, it was always a let down because I realized how much I forgot about them and failed at accomplishing them. I run off of daily goals or even weekly goals....short term things I can remember. Im a one-step-at-a time kind of girl. This past weekend Nick and I talked a lot about our future, our plans and our desires. So, with that in mind, we are working on finding a sense of 'permanant' for our family. Right now I feel up in the air and I dont like it. In fact, I hate it. Something is not sitting well with me.I have been thinking about this like I mentioned earlier, for a while now, at least 2 months or so. We need to find WHAT it is that will be ours and WHERE ours will be. We want to know where our family should settle down. I just trust that Heavenly Father will get us there. Weirdly, but truly I have always known and felt when Heavenly father is about to spring something on us, but I had NO idea he had a plan when he sprung this on us to move to California. So, with that being said, I dont feel strongly about anything yet. I have to be careful not to confuse or cloud my gratification or desires with his plans, because, Lets be honest, I could tell you my dream plan right now :) There's a big difference there. He knows our hearts and he hears our plea. Plea=needs answer now! Ha! But, Patience. As if I shouldnt have already learned that one by now. I will just sit back and wait. **tears** Much love, Amera.